True to my bulimic nature it's been a long time since I've posted and today I find myself almost busting with the need to purge. I feel I could write a novel! When I reach this point it's hard to know where to start and what thought to tap into first. I guess I'll start with the one that was first on my mind today.
Over the past several months I've been feeling withdrawn---but not in a scary way which in my past has brought me to very dark places. This has been more of a quietness. I find I like this place of quiet. I haven't had much to say. I've been listening. I believe I need times like this to hear God as I continue to look for direction along life's path. Anyway, lately I've been seeing that my role and identity is changing. It needs to change. Our kids are getting older and their needs change accordingly. I can't parent them like I did when they were infants, toddlers, young. Our business is changing and we need to prepare ourselves for the next stage of our working lives. Our marriage is changing and I'm finding that we need to work hard to grow in our relationship; we are not "we" unless we are willing to do whatever it takes to keep reaching for each other. I'm finding it a challenge to prioritize my energy. Because I don't feel I have sure footing in any of these areas I feel a little fragile.
That brings me to the Money and Happiness part of this post. Recently the kids were ribbing me about not saving a lot of their childhood memorabilia. Just to clarify, I did save some things but admittedly, not a lot. I am not very sentimental. That in no way means I don't love our kids to the point that I would die for them and have given most of my life to their care. I think I do a pretty consistent job celebrating their accomplishments and honoring their character as they grow. I don't attach my feelings for people on things nor do I feel the need to have things to remember what I want to remember. The kids apparently had different expectations for me and it's clear I haven't measured up. I have to admit I felt sad after this little exchange. Not because I was hurt by their thoughts and feelings---they are entitled to their own. I guess I felt a sort of loss although I'm not sure how to define what I lost. I want to pass something valuable on to my kids and I'm not sure I hit the mark. There was a time in my life when I had very few responsibilities and some decent money. I could buy pretty much what I wanted when I wanted it. I wasn't a millionaire but I lived well and didn't worry about money and had lots of nice stuff. By no means was I happy. I looked good and did lots of fun things but happiness eluded me. The Bible says the love of money is the root of all evil. Money is not evil---it's the LOVE of money that is rooted in evil. Money can buy lots of fun and stuff. Some of that could be evil. Money can also be helpful if applied to assist those in need. Either way, Money does not equal Happiness. Happiness comes from a whole different place and it may or may not be present in conjunction with Money. The greatest happiness I know is knowing who I am according to how I am defined through Christ Jesus. THIS is the Golden Nugget I hope to leave with our children. I desperately want them to be happy with Who they are in Christ and not what they have or what they've done. I want for them to know the truth. I think my sadness was feeling a loss of confidence that this lesson might be lost to our children.
I realize they are still growing and have a lot to learn as they approach adulthood and forever thereafter. I realize I have a lot to learn. I still have hope for them and for me. I don't know how the Lord will work in their hearts and lives but I do know He will. Where I lack confidence in my efforts I know God is not lacking in any way.
