A Matter of Degrees

This is a conversation I overheard between our then 10 year old daughter and her friend from the back seat of the minivan:

Our Daughter:  “Do you ever eat your boogers?”

Friend:  “Sometimes…but only when I’m really, really hungry.”

The hilarity in this was the seriousness of their conversation. They weren’t trying to be funny or gross but just two friends discussing some of the lesser known elements of 10 Year Old Life.  This still makes me laugh and it has since become one of my favorite quotes.  What I like about it is the simple truth that whatever holds us back from our better selves is usually just a matter of degrees. I can put on my Best Self for only so long under certain conditions before I start to compromise my values and soon to follow is my behavior.  For example, I, and many who knew me as a teacher, thought I would be an excellent mother. I had the right education and training, lots of experience with young children and I was successful putting those to use. It made sense those gifts would make for a smooth transition to Mother of the Year. Not as easy as I thought. I hung in there pretty good with my step daughter (well, at least I think so…). She was easy and I always knew I was very fortunate to have such a gentle, cooperative child as the first in our young family. Next came our son and my first baby. I hung in there fairly well with him, too, for the first 18 mos. until I became pregnant again with our next child. I could be loving, patient and kind when I wasn’t dead-dog tired, nauseated and gagging or so swollen I had to sit with my legs elevated.  As my reality changed I found it harder and harder to be the mom I set out to be. Then when our last baby---a girl---was born I barely recognized myself. I became irritated much more easily, had difficulty concentrating and could barely keep up with the maintenance of the house and yard that I had previously done so well.  I felt like anything but a Good Mother and I felt I was an even worse Wife. There was so much I knew about the right things to say and do but I felt almost powerless to carry them out when the weight of the millions of tiny details and decisions that comprise motherhood became too great to bear.  See, I had wonderful experiences and resources to prepare me for Parenthood but I lacked the stamina by myself to apply it all 24/7. I needed help. With an awakening I prayed more, started spending regular time in God’s Word, asked for help, learned to let some things go, and spent more time in the company of other mothers for support and understanding. I still fluctuate between different degrees of being overwhelmed and spiritual wellness but I catch myself sooner than I used to and I know I can trust God to lead my recovery back toward the person He wants me to be.

What does this have to do with eating boogers? 

Well, like our young friend, I find that there are things I find very unappealing and even offensive when I am strong in my faith life. I’m a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend and Servant when I am steadfast in my walk with Christ. I have more confidence and peace. It’s easy to recognize and resist those things that are offensive and unappealing to the God I serve. However, life has a way of creeping up on me and when I’m not diligent in my faith life it becomes easier to allow the boogers to find a way in. By boogers I mean things like pride, rebellion, anger, fear and even hatred and hopelessness. When I find myself feeding on these things they create self-consciousness, suspicion, self pity, guilt and conflict. These things are far from the fruits of the Spirit—“ But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..” Galatians 5:22-23. I need help---and lots of it to stay in tune with the Spirit. Through the power and grace of God I have an open invitation to feast on His Word or talk to Him anytime, any day, as often and as long as I desire. I have access to a fellowship with others who believe and value biblical teachings and model them in their lives encouraging me to do the same. God makes it easier for me not to let other things get in the way of spending time getting real nourishment so I don’t get too hungry or starved and start to settle for boogers.