Round 1,097,835...

...efforts to lose weight, that is. Here I am again. Larger than life. Knowing this is not only unhealthy but also rather uncomfortable. I have reached epic proportions to the point, I have to admit, I am almost in awe of my girth and the fact that this body is capable of lugging so much extra weight around. When I gather the courage to actually look at myself it is with fascination at how my body has accommodated the extra weight and how foreign my body feels to me. It is a wonder to me how this happens. Denial is a powerful thing.

I have stood on this precipice many times in my life---do I completely give up or put forth yet another effort to change what it is about me that brings me to this place over and over again. I have lost and gained hundreds and hundreds of pounds. I've tried umpteen weight loss methods--including but not limited to TOPS, Weight Watchers, Atkins, the WeighDown Workshop, Low Carbs, No Carbs, Counting Calories, The Eggnog Diet (which involves eating nothing but a mixture of raw eggs, milk and orange juice--and, No, it does not taste like eggnog), The Grapefruit Diet, a Liver Cleanse/Detox eating plan, once I lived on carrots and yogurt and I turned orange, Purging, Starving, Aerobics, Jazzercize, Aquacize, Pilates, Lifting (my personal favorite), Bouncing, Biking, monitoring with a BodyBugg, Walking and most recently, the purchase of an Elliptical. I think I burned a few extra calories just typing out that list. I should probably mention several thousands of dollars worth of counseling. And by the way, to varying degrees all these methods worked. Every single time I was sincere in my commitment. Every single time I lost weight I swore I would never gain it back and I meant it. And here I am. Back on the edge of the cliff. Only two ways to go;  I continue on this path of sure destruction or I try again.

I'm trying again. I just can't give up although I have been so very, very close. I love my Lord and I know this is not what He wants for me. I love my family. I would like to be comfortable. I have not been a good steward with the physical resource I have in my body and my health. I have not been a good steward in energy usage; I realize my weight slows me down. I have been unfaithful in bringing all things stressful and painful to the foot of the cross in exchange for the temporary comfort of something that tastes good. I know God forgives.

It is very humbling to expose myself this way so publicly and no doubt will raise attention to the accountability factor. I know what to do and not to do--believe me when I say I have all the knowledge I need. What I need is a strength and humility I don't possess naturally. I need some major help. I need to keep my heart focused on trusting in my Savior with all my heart, mind and soul. I don't believe for a nanosecond that God loves me any more or any less depending on how successful or unsuccessful I am in this personal battle. I know He loves me. I know He can help and is my best hope. This time I don't want to lose weight for a wedding, a graduation, a trip, for my husband or my kids, for different clothes or a more pleasing appearance. This time I just want to want what God wants for me. I want to enjoy the blessings that come from submitting to His teachings. I want to offer Him the best I have to offer and at the same time surrender what I'm lacking.

Prayers are always appreciated. I'll keep you posted...

"I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.”~Lamentations 3:24