Can I Surrender Now? I'm tired...

First I have to tell you I continue to struggle so much with my weight it has become nearly unbearable. I have hardly any clothes that fit, I can't find clothes that fit properly and comfortably, I am raging mad at myself for allowing this to get to this point, and I am feeling terrified and desperate that I can't stop what I am doing to myself. That's a mouthful, huh? The big question for me is always, "Why??!". Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I do what I know is not only right but would also bring comfort? Why can't I get it together? What is wrong with me? If you haven't picked up on the theme it's pretty much Me, Me, Me, Me, and them some more Me. I hit an unexpected obstacle following some recent drama within our church. I went into that situation with what I thought was a sound commitment to simply offering my service with no strings attached and the willingness to accept any outcome. Apparently that is not the case. Frustration, hurt/anger (with me these two always accompany each other), pride and probably a few other undesirable traits found their way in and it has taken a long time to sort through. I’ve been working on surrendering what has been keeping me captive and to get out of my own head and focus on Christ. I’ve needed space and quiet to listen for the still, small voice that moves me toward the path I desire. Removing myself from serving at our church left a huge hole in my life. I've been trying to fill it up with grief, self pity, confusion and food. It's not working for me.

I listened to a lesson today from Luke 22 regarding an argument among the disciples about which one was the greatest. The Bible reminds us that greatness in the eyes of the Lord is wholly different than what the world considers great. “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. He chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the things of this world that are common and looked down on. He chose what is not considered to be important to do away with what is considered to be important.” 1 Cor.1:27, 28 NIRV The world promotes position, authority, power and recognition. Christ promotes service. Christ came to serve. The part that hit me (besides the assessment of my service attitude and response) was the part on being served. While Jesus came to serve he also allowed others to serve him. In his flawless wisdom he understands it’s good for us to serve and so allowed others the opportunity to benefit from serving him. I have been feeling lower and lower because I fear I failed in making a difference, I've made a mess of myself and I'm ashamed this is what I have done with God's gracious gifts to me. I bought the lie that I need to get myself together and then I can come to Jesus and do something wonderful for Him and others. I really needed to hear that Jesus came to serve and continues to want to serve me. Why do I keep the worst of my pain from Him instead of taking it to Him? This is exactly what he is patiently waiting to take from me and I can no longer bear the weight of it. No pun intended. I honestly can't make this better by myself. I need help. I need Jesus' help and the help of others who love me. It’s a frightening place for me to be in---I’m one of those difficult children who want to do it myself! Today I am comforted and encouraged the Spirit works to create a new person in me who wants to do it with Jesus- “You were taught not to live the way you used to. You must get rid of your old way of life. That's because it is polluted by longing for things that lead you down the wrong path. You were taught to be made new in your thinking. You were taught to start living a new life. It is created to be truly good and holy, just as God is.” Ephesians 4:22-24 NIRV

Today I pray I look and see many ways in which I can serve my Savior, serve someone else and eat to live rather than live to eat.