Childish Things…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Things around here seem to take on a momentum of their own from late November through the end of January. There are the obvious extra preparations for the holidays.  Add three family birthdays (the kids and me) and an unexpected flooring project resulting from a septic system backup and consequent flood in our home office and some serious but not tragic illnesses with the kids. Then with our business there are extra forms and reports to prepare and file. You know--life is busy! I get really, really tired and I can’t say I make much of an effort to take extra good care of myself. In fact I’m in the worse shape I’ve ever been in my whole life.  I feel it, too. I don’t sleep well.  Everything I do is becoming a labor. I feel myself slipping into fear and I don’t want to live in fear. I’ve struggled with getting a grip on my personal health/weight issues as long as I can remember. For the life of me I don’t know what keeps me from getting motivated to do what it is required and sticking to it. I keep waiting to feel “ready” but even when I think I’m ready my conviction fades rapidly. By nature I’m not a lazy person and I’m very stubborn so a weak will is not the problem.  I have the intelligence to understand my situation and the resources to address it yet I don’t.  I imagine most of you have that thing you wish you would stop doing but don’t.  I go back and forth between feeling frustrated, angry, ashamed and completely confused on the “Why?” why do I continue down this path to destruction? Anyway, I pray for the conviction to take the necessary responsibility for my physical well-being.  And then I read and listen to scripture and listen for the answer. This is what I heard, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” ~1 Corinthians 13:11

I think I got it. Wishing things were different for me is never going to get me there.  I can’t do whatever I feel like without consequences. Like I learned a long time ago in science class every action has a reaction. I simply can’t have my cake and eat it, too. A seriously potent Big Girl Pill is in order.  This is where I to cling to God’s promises that He will provide what I need to grow up and make better use of the resources and gifts He has so generously given me. I have made some consistently poor choices and I am dearly Paying the Piper. So my choices now are to wallow in regret and self pity or keep trying to make the necessary changes. I know I can’t do this alone---the temptation to fall back into old habits is very strong. I’m making a plan. I’m including others in my plan not so they can monitor my progress but because I know they’ll care and that will help me care. I asked for my family’s help and I am truly blessed they are so willing to share this journey with me because I literally asked them if I could totally purge our household of all the foods I want to eliminate and that was an extensive list.  They not only agreed but shared their enthusiasm to try new things and commit to practicing healthy living. I also arranged to be involved in a Bible study with a couple friends that will help me feed on the Bread of Life and fill all those empty spaces I keep trying to fill with food.

If you’re a praying person I’ll ask for your prayers as well. I’ve been in this spot before and I know I can either stay here or follow Christ to a better place.

I’ll keep you posted…