I never felt threatened by tests. During my educational career tests weren't a big deal. I'm one of those fortunate people that easily grasped and understood the material I received and tests didn't require me to study a great deal. Now I'm smack dab in the middle of one of the greatest test I've ever faced. It's not the written kind but a spiritual test. The details of the collection of circumstances that lead me to this place are unimportant. The important thing for me is to pass the test according to what will most please my Lord and Savior. I've had lots of feelings to sort through. While I want to honor and examine the basis for my feelings I don't want to navigate through life according to how I feel. Feelings come and go. I don't know about you but my heart is prone to corruption and my feelings can be a result of misunderstandings, errors in my perceptions, and influenced by worldly opinions and practices. I left out pure, unadulterated selfishness which can also be a huge contributing factor in stirring up my feelings. I also tend to be a Thinking Individual and I can get absorbed in my thoughts which, again, can be under the influence of things that are temporary and corrupt. I want to make important decisions based on what is lasting, what is perfect, what is pure and what is much, much bigger than my small, individual circumstances. I want to want what God wants. On my own my efforts leave me tired, frustrated and often feeling hopeless. There are countless books, DVD's, and people full of encouragement and good scriptural teaching but none of them can change my heart. The only things that can change me from the inside out are God's Word, the work of the Spirit and Christ's love that saves me from myself. While nothing outside of me may or may not change I cling to the hope that God can change me to be a blessing within the circumstances that exist. This is not a magical wave of a wand and *poof!* my life is all better. I'm learning that sometimes those blessings come after suffering. They come after the storm. They come after years of roaming around in the desert. When God prepares me for something and I respond with obedience I am blessed beyond what makes any sense. Typically then those times are followed by another period of growth and testing--it's back to the desert for a while! God has a way of letting me figure out that when all else isn't enough what is left is Him. Sometimes this takes me a long time. He's very patient. When I feel completely lost and I have nothing left to cling to I seek Him with a vengeance and discover He never left but was simply waiting. Waiting to whisper to me in His still, small voice. Just for me He whispers in my ear, "I love you.", "Everything will be OK; I've got your back.", "I see you, I know you, I want you." He tells me how He wants to give me even more than I ever hoped for and that will require me to give some things up. He's asking me, "How much do you love Me? Enough to trust Me? Enough to let Me take the burden? Enough to let Me have My Way with you?" This is the test. Now it's crystal clear.
Dear God, keep working on my heart...
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