Testing, 1..2..3, Testing...

I never felt threatened by tests. During my educational career tests weren't a big deal. I'm one of those fortunate people that easily grasped and understood the material I received and tests didn't require me to study a great deal. Now I'm smack dab in the middle of one of the greatest test I've ever faced. It's not the written kind but a spiritual test. The details of the collection of circumstances that lead me to this place are unimportant. The important thing for me is to pass the test according to what will most please my Lord and Savior. I've had lots of feelings to sort through. While I want to honor and examine the basis for my feelings I don't want to navigate through life according to how I feel. Feelings come and go. I don't know about you but my heart is prone to corruption and my feelings can be a result of misunderstandings, errors in my perceptions, and influenced by worldly opinions and practices. I left out pure, unadulterated selfishness which can also be a huge contributing factor in stirring up my feelings. I also tend to be a Thinking Individual and I can get absorbed in my thoughts which, again, can be under the influence of things that are temporary and corrupt. I want to make important decisions based on what is lasting, what is perfect, what is pure and what is much, much bigger than my small, individual circumstances. I want to want what God wants. On my own my efforts leave me tired, frustrated and often feeling hopeless. There are countless books, DVD's, and people full of encouragement and good scriptural teaching but none of them can change my heart. The only things that can change me from the inside out are God's Word, the work of the Spirit and Christ's love that saves me from myself. While nothing outside of me may or may not change I cling to the hope that God can change me to be a blessing within the circumstances that exist. This is not a magical wave of a wand and *poof!* my life is all better. I'm learning that sometimes those blessings come after suffering. They come after the storm. They come after years of roaming around in the desert. When God prepares me for something and I respond with obedience I am blessed beyond what makes any sense. Typically then those times are followed by another period of growth and testing--it's back to the desert for a while! God has a way of letting me figure out that when all else isn't enough what is left is Him. Sometimes this takes me a long time. He's very patient. When I feel completely lost and I have nothing left to cling to I seek Him with a vengeance and discover He never left but was simply waiting. Waiting to whisper to me in His still, small voice. Just for me He whispers in my ear, "I love you.", "Everything will be OK; I've got your back.", "I see you, I know you, I want you."  He tells me how He wants to give me even more than I ever hoped for and that will require me to give some things up. He's asking me, "How much do you love Me? Enough to trust Me? Enough to let Me take the burden? Enough to let Me have My Way with you?" This is the test. Now it's crystal clear.

Dear God, keep working on my heart...

Bread

"I am the bread of life." (John 6:48) This is a pretty clear statement. Apart from Christ I can't live feeling fed, nurtured and healthy spiritually, emotionally and physically. If you've been following my blog you're aware I have wrestled with food issues my entire life and as a Christian it has been especially difficult to have my physical body in such conflict with my spiritual self. I have succeeded and failed at literally hundreds of diets so I'm not quick to jump on any new bandwagons regarding diets or even new "health" breakthroughs. I have always believed moderation is the key and in line with biblical teaching to practice good use of all the resources and gifts God provides. 

Recently I purchased and read the "Wheat Belly" book by Dr. William Davis. My reason for doing so was because what I read about the book seemed to address many of the afflictions I felt from my poor eating habits. Notice I said "habits" and not "choices". While at times I make poor food choices for the most part I have been feeding myself and my family what I thought was a very healthy diet---whole foods, very little processed foods if any, privately raised beef, pork, and chicken, fruits, vegetables and lots of whole grain replacements for highly processed flour products. What I ate seemed relatively good but my portions and eating patterns grow out of control based on any number of external influences. Anyway, I did know I needed to eat less and move more. I didn't know my food choices had such a dramatic effect on my body until I started making changes. I'm not going to address the science behind Dr. Davis' findings or any possible commercial motives. I don't really care about those things. All I care about is whether or not this might make some difference in my battles keeping food in it's place along with putting God back in His rightful place as No. 1 in my life for all things at all times ("Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."~Philippians 4:6)This is how I started:

•  I prayed like crazy and asked lots of other people to pray for me. This is simple but not easy and I knew I would need all the prayers I could get!
• I purged our home of All Things Wheat to the best of my knowledge (and that continues to grow!)
• I removed any other grain flours and products and rice and replaced then with foods with lower Glycemic Index values since I've been concerned about the threat of diabetes.
• I stocked up on more vegetables, some fruits, and low GI sweeteners---like Blue Agave Syrup vs. Maple Syrup or Honey.
• I plan meals so I have the necessary ingredients, remember to allow time to thaw the meat, and provide a variety of tasty meals for me and my family.

This has been my experience so far (2 Weeks):

• Within 3 days I had NO heartburn, the edema in my legs and feet was virtually gone, my energy and clarity increased and I wasn't nodding off every time I sat down.
• By the end of the first week I noticed my skin condition was noticeably improved--skin eruptions were nearly gone and healing, itchiness was gone--, I no longer had a "coating" in my mouth when I woke up and I was sleeping (finally!!) for longer periods at night up to four or five hours from the previous 2-3 hours maximum before, a complete absence of stomach discomfort and pain, the joint discomfort that had been growing was gone,and I lost 4 lbs. without exercising.
• By the end of the second week I noticed continued increase in energy and improved sleeping, my eyebrows started growing back, my hair got darker (my hairdresser noticed and commented before she knew I had made some dietary changes), I started walking because I could bend over to get my socks on and tie my shoes without hurting myself and I lost close to 7 lbs.

Now I don't know if I had a slice of bread this would all be undone but I have no desire to find out. I'm not hungry ever. I eat really good meals and eat until I feel satisfied which is becoming less and less. I feel like I've lost the weight of a burden much greater than the 10+ lbs. I've actually lost so far. I'm feasting on the Bread of Life and feeling the deep peace that I have only ever felt from the love of my Savior and keeping him at the center of my heart's desire. I can't think beyond this day or I get scared of the possibility of another failure. Day by day, choice by choice I'm trusting God to help me make decisions that honor Him and will open the door to the way God wants to bless me. Please keep me in your prayers and if I can pray for you don't hesitate to ask...it would be a privilege.

Childish Things…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Things around here seem to take on a momentum of their own from late November through the end of January. There are the obvious extra preparations for the holidays.  Add three family birthdays (the kids and me) and an unexpected flooring project resulting from a septic system backup and consequent flood in our home office and some serious but not tragic illnesses with the kids. Then with our business there are extra forms and reports to prepare and file. You know--life is busy! I get really, really tired and I can’t say I make much of an effort to take extra good care of myself. In fact I’m in the worse shape I’ve ever been in my whole life.  I feel it, too. I don’t sleep well.  Everything I do is becoming a labor. I feel myself slipping into fear and I don’t want to live in fear. I’ve struggled with getting a grip on my personal health/weight issues as long as I can remember. For the life of me I don’t know what keeps me from getting motivated to do what it is required and sticking to it. I keep waiting to feel “ready” but even when I think I’m ready my conviction fades rapidly. By nature I’m not a lazy person and I’m very stubborn so a weak will is not the problem.  I have the intelligence to understand my situation and the resources to address it yet I don’t.  I imagine most of you have that thing you wish you would stop doing but don’t.  I go back and forth between feeling frustrated, angry, ashamed and completely confused on the “Why?” why do I continue down this path to destruction? Anyway, I pray for the conviction to take the necessary responsibility for my physical well-being.  And then I read and listen to scripture and listen for the answer. This is what I heard, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” ~1 Corinthians 13:11

I think I got it. Wishing things were different for me is never going to get me there.  I can’t do whatever I feel like without consequences. Like I learned a long time ago in science class every action has a reaction. I simply can’t have my cake and eat it, too. A seriously potent Big Girl Pill is in order.  This is where I to cling to God’s promises that He will provide what I need to grow up and make better use of the resources and gifts He has so generously given me. I have made some consistently poor choices and I am dearly Paying the Piper. So my choices now are to wallow in regret and self pity or keep trying to make the necessary changes. I know I can’t do this alone---the temptation to fall back into old habits is very strong. I’m making a plan. I’m including others in my plan not so they can monitor my progress but because I know they’ll care and that will help me care. I asked for my family’s help and I am truly blessed they are so willing to share this journey with me because I literally asked them if I could totally purge our household of all the foods I want to eliminate and that was an extensive list.  They not only agreed but shared their enthusiasm to try new things and commit to practicing healthy living. I also arranged to be involved in a Bible study with a couple friends that will help me feed on the Bread of Life and fill all those empty spaces I keep trying to fill with food.

If you’re a praying person I’ll ask for your prayers as well. I’ve been in this spot before and I know I can either stay here or follow Christ to a better place.

I’ll keep you posted…