Just a Quickie--

I know it's only been a couple of days since my last post but I had to share the events of the past two days.

I have been facing some very difficult personal issues lately which leave me physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I have come to realize once again that I need to spend less time trying to make everything right and focus on being right with the Lord. I know how He works and yet I still get sucked into depending on my own resources to find the kind of peace and balance I will never have apart from HIM.

Anyway, in the last two days I have had an opportunity to air out some important and painful issues and I have neither died from the sadness nor become paralyzed with fear. I did not eat over it. I have received almost a continuous flow of emails, phone calls, text messages and visits from people who have demonstrated nothing but kindness, concern, gentleness, patience, LOVE! and even a little fun thrown in there. None of these things were planned or expected. How great is that?! How good is our God?! How very, very good. I am reminded of His promise to be with me always --" ...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”~Matt 28:20--, to give me all I need when I come to Him with everything-- "  ... to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment"~ Timothy 6:1--, that He can do so much more than I can even dream of-- "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,"~ Ephesians 3:20.

I haven't been on the scale yet this week but I feel the lightness returning. All is well. The really hard battles have already been won. My hunger has been satisfied and it didn't require excess amounts of food.

To God be the glory!

Round 1,097,835...

...efforts to lose weight, that is. Here I am again. Larger than life. Knowing this is not only unhealthy but also rather uncomfortable. I have reached epic proportions to the point, I have to admit, I am almost in awe of my girth and the fact that this body is capable of lugging so much extra weight around. When I gather the courage to actually look at myself it is with fascination at how my body has accommodated the extra weight and how foreign my body feels to me. It is a wonder to me how this happens. Denial is a powerful thing.

I have stood on this precipice many times in my life---do I completely give up or put forth yet another effort to change what it is about me that brings me to this place over and over again. I have lost and gained hundreds and hundreds of pounds. I've tried umpteen weight loss methods--including but not limited to TOPS, Weight Watchers, Atkins, the WeighDown Workshop, Low Carbs, No Carbs, Counting Calories, The Eggnog Diet (which involves eating nothing but a mixture of raw eggs, milk and orange juice--and, No, it does not taste like eggnog), The Grapefruit Diet, a Liver Cleanse/Detox eating plan, once I lived on carrots and yogurt and I turned orange, Purging, Starving, Aerobics, Jazzercize, Aquacize, Pilates, Lifting (my personal favorite), Bouncing, Biking, monitoring with a BodyBugg, Walking and most recently, the purchase of an Elliptical. I think I burned a few extra calories just typing out that list. I should probably mention several thousands of dollars worth of counseling. And by the way, to varying degrees all these methods worked. Every single time I was sincere in my commitment. Every single time I lost weight I swore I would never gain it back and I meant it. And here I am. Back on the edge of the cliff. Only two ways to go;  I continue on this path of sure destruction or I try again.

I'm trying again. I just can't give up although I have been so very, very close. I love my Lord and I know this is not what He wants for me. I love my family. I would like to be comfortable. I have not been a good steward with the physical resource I have in my body and my health. I have not been a good steward in energy usage; I realize my weight slows me down. I have been unfaithful in bringing all things stressful and painful to the foot of the cross in exchange for the temporary comfort of something that tastes good. I know God forgives.

It is very humbling to expose myself this way so publicly and no doubt will raise attention to the accountability factor. I know what to do and not to do--believe me when I say I have all the knowledge I need. What I need is a strength and humility I don't possess naturally. I need some major help. I need to keep my heart focused on trusting in my Savior with all my heart, mind and soul. I don't believe for a nanosecond that God loves me any more or any less depending on how successful or unsuccessful I am in this personal battle. I know He loves me. I know He can help and is my best hope. This time I don't want to lose weight for a wedding, a graduation, a trip, for my husband or my kids, for different clothes or a more pleasing appearance. This time I just want to want what God wants for me. I want to enjoy the blessings that come from submitting to His teachings. I want to offer Him the best I have to offer and at the same time surrender what I'm lacking.

Prayers are always appreciated. I'll keep you posted...

"I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.”~Lamentations 3:24

M & M Wisdom

Sometimes it’s just hard when we think we know what we need and we know very well what we want and we don’t seem to be getting either one.  It’s so easy to make an assessment of our situation and by using our best judgment and resources come up with a plan. All of this is well and good as the Bible teaches us to use our gifts to the best of our abilities. What I tend to forget is that at the same time God tells us not to depend on our own reasoning and to be content in whatever our circumstance; even if things don’t seem to be going according to plan. I forget God has a plan for me that may or may not be similar to mine. This is even a harder thing to teach our children.  Being a parent is hard. I love to see our beloved children happy but often giving them whatever they think will make them happy usually has the opposite result in the long run. Usually I’m very good at seeing clearly my role as parent and am not easily swayed. However, I’m human and flesh and blood and on occasion I just get tired of the resistance and try to take an easier route. That usually doesn’t work, either.  Case in point, the M & M fiasco.

When our youngest daughter was about 3 and we were home enjoying some time alone she made a simple request for some M & M’s.  Knowing how much my little sweetie loved sweets I was happy to offer her a small portion of candies in a small container; just the right size for my pint sized Love. After she finished her treat she asked for more. In my Great Mom Wisdom I confidently explained that what I gave her was just the right amount. She asked again. Again, I patiently assured her she had had enough and there was more for another time and let’s just get on with our lovely time together. She made yet another request and persisted in asking for more…just one more helping. I shared with her my superior knowledge of the effect of too much candy on little tummies and how my great for love for her was to keep her happy and well. She continued to rather adamantly beg for more. I caved. Gave her another small container of M & M’s and thought it was a small concession to end the harassment and allow us to get on with our time together. After downing the last candy-coated chocolate tidbit she immediately asked for another helping. Now I knew that was not a good idea. In fact I knew it was not a good idea to give her the second helping . In my Great Mom Wisdom I justified, “OK, I’ll just let her have what she wants and she will come to see how infinitely more wise I am, accept I know better and never question me again.” I opened the floodgates and let her eat her fill until she didn’t ask for more. Of course she got sick. While I very lovingly tended to my miserable little angel I stroked her green face and very gently asked her, “Honey, do you understand now why you feel sick?” My sweet baby looked earnestly in my face and said most sincerely, “Yes. You should have never given me those M & M’s.”

When I think I feel myself waning when my now much older children have very different desires than M & M’s I think of this and pray for the strength, wisdom and courage to be the parent they need me to be even when they don’t understand or appreciate it. Isn’t this just how God the Father loves us? In spite of our approval or permission He does all the really hard stuff and loves us enough to give us what we really need and not just what we demand or think we want. I am so grateful…so grateful. I may not have all the answers or get it all right but I have the One in my life who does to help me! How great is that?!

Tissues of Forgiveness

It's been a few weeks since I've posted---been busy running kids to workouts and camps and getting my kitchen redone. Now that my life seems to be in reasonable order I can actually form a thought again.

I originally wrote this a few years ago and it's one of the first things I put down on paper. It was such a cathartic experience I continued to do so and haven't stopped since. Anyway, recently while I've been a bit preoccupied adjusting to the demands of teenage schedules and emptying the contents of my kitchen I found myself experiencing a bit of deja vu with tissue remains in the laundry again. In addition to the tissues I discovered my husband and son added chewing gum to their repertoires. If you have ever scraped tiny bits of gum off your clothes and washer and dryer I know you will feel my pain. I couldn't help but notice the similarity to my previous Tissue Episode in that I was feeling stretched in many directions and these very annoying incidents sent me into tantrums I am too embarrassed to share in detail. Reviewing my former observation and insight did help me get a handle on bringing things back down to a manageable size. Enjoy!

I bet you are wondering what tissues have to do with faith and forgiveness. Let me explain. My husband has a habit of tucking tissues in his pant and shirt pockets. He cannot defend his behavior other than he feels he needs to have them available just in case he needs one. I really have no beef with him using tissues or with his reasoning to always be prepared. What I have a problem with is that he often forgets to remove the tissues from these various pockets when he adds his clothes to the laundry.

Now I don’t want to just complain about my husband. There is a lesson here if you stay with me. When we were blessed with children we decided that I would leave my career to stay home full-time. Because I stayed home and he left for work it only made sense that the domestic duties would fall largely on me. It wasn’t that I quit working. It was more like a major change in my job description. In the same way I approach nearly everything I take my job seriously and expect nothing less than 110% of myself. I can’t help it; it’s just the way I am. That goes for the laundry and everything else I do in and around the house. I can’t tell you what it would do to me to open the washer and find tatters of tissues over a whole load of clean clothes. Sometimes it would help to run the load through the dryer but often times it would require re-washing the load. On a good day it bugged me. On days when my time and patience were already challenged I would allow myself a brief angry outburst out of earshot of the children. I would then muster up any kindness I had in me and ask my husband to please try and remember to take the tissues out of his pockets and he would apologetically promise me he would try. This has gone on for years. The tension has built surrounding these “Tissue Incidents” in direct proportion to the ups and downs in our marriage. When I am feeling good about life in general I have been able to keep it in perspective. However, self-centeredness tends to narrow one’s vision. I hate to admit it but there have been times when I have really lost it over these tissues. I have been less than kind and more critical in my demands that my husband get it straight where tissues and laundry are concerned. On occasion I have been at the brink of despair and feared it was more than I could live with; the tissues were the proverbial straw that would push me over the edge. Now before you judge me too harshly let me say that during certain moments of clarity I have realized my behavior has been more about my overall satisfaction with life in general rather than actual tissue related inconveniences. I have also realized that my tolerance and willingness to forgive are in direct proportion to how closely I am walking with the Lord. I made a decision to turn this matter over to God. If I needed to practice forgiveness, so be it. If God felt it best to remove this habit from my husband, even better! Whatever, I was willing to let Him use those tissues to His glory. So I started saving them and placing them on my husband’s dresser with “I forgive you” written on a notepad. No more pleading, begging, reminding, nagging or yelling about tissues. Believe it or not I was actually having fun with this! I was feeling all proud of myself that I managed to rise above this petty grievance until one day I opened the washer and found a broken ball point pen that had been left in a pocket and had covered the clothes in ink. In total disbelief and panic I literally cried out, “ God! Are you kidding? Do you really expect me to forgive him this, too?!” And do you want to know what I heard? “YES! How many times have I forgiven you?”

The Lord is with me in everything I do. There is no matter that is not important enough to take to Him. I can trust Him completely to take me where I need to go and how I will get there. Even with ink stains or tissue remnants clinging to my clothes.

“Forgive us our sins as we also forgive everyone who sins against us.”~ Luke 11:4

  

A Matter of Degrees

This is a conversation I overheard between our then 10 year old daughter and her friend from the back seat of the minivan:

Our Daughter:  “Do you ever eat your boogers?”

Friend:  “Sometimes…but only when I’m really, really hungry.”

The hilarity in this was the seriousness of their conversation. They weren’t trying to be funny or gross but just two friends discussing some of the lesser known elements of 10 Year Old Life.  This still makes me laugh and it has since become one of my favorite quotes.  What I like about it is the simple truth that whatever holds us back from our better selves is usually just a matter of degrees. I can put on my Best Self for only so long under certain conditions before I start to compromise my values and soon to follow is my behavior.  For example, I, and many who knew me as a teacher, thought I would be an excellent mother. I had the right education and training, lots of experience with young children and I was successful putting those to use. It made sense those gifts would make for a smooth transition to Mother of the Year. Not as easy as I thought. I hung in there pretty good with my step daughter (well, at least I think so…). She was easy and I always knew I was very fortunate to have such a gentle, cooperative child as the first in our young family. Next came our son and my first baby. I hung in there fairly well with him, too, for the first 18 mos. until I became pregnant again with our next child. I could be loving, patient and kind when I wasn’t dead-dog tired, nauseated and gagging or so swollen I had to sit with my legs elevated.  As my reality changed I found it harder and harder to be the mom I set out to be. Then when our last baby---a girl---was born I barely recognized myself. I became irritated much more easily, had difficulty concentrating and could barely keep up with the maintenance of the house and yard that I had previously done so well.  I felt like anything but a Good Mother and I felt I was an even worse Wife. There was so much I knew about the right things to say and do but I felt almost powerless to carry them out when the weight of the millions of tiny details and decisions that comprise motherhood became too great to bear.  See, I had wonderful experiences and resources to prepare me for Parenthood but I lacked the stamina by myself to apply it all 24/7. I needed help. With an awakening I prayed more, started spending regular time in God’s Word, asked for help, learned to let some things go, and spent more time in the company of other mothers for support and understanding. I still fluctuate between different degrees of being overwhelmed and spiritual wellness but I catch myself sooner than I used to and I know I can trust God to lead my recovery back toward the person He wants me to be.

What does this have to do with eating boogers? 

Well, like our young friend, I find that there are things I find very unappealing and even offensive when I am strong in my faith life. I’m a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend and Servant when I am steadfast in my walk with Christ. I have more confidence and peace. It’s easy to recognize and resist those things that are offensive and unappealing to the God I serve. However, life has a way of creeping up on me and when I’m not diligent in my faith life it becomes easier to allow the boogers to find a way in. By boogers I mean things like pride, rebellion, anger, fear and even hatred and hopelessness. When I find myself feeding on these things they create self-consciousness, suspicion, self pity, guilt and conflict. These things are far from the fruits of the Spirit—“ But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..” Galatians 5:22-23. I need help---and lots of it to stay in tune with the Spirit. Through the power and grace of God I have an open invitation to feast on His Word or talk to Him anytime, any day, as often and as long as I desire. I have access to a fellowship with others who believe and value biblical teachings and model them in their lives encouraging me to do the same. God makes it easier for me not to let other things get in the way of spending time getting real nourishment so I don’t get too hungry or starved and start to settle for boogers.

Wood Ticks

“Test me, O LORD, and try me,
   examine my heart and my mind;”

~Psalm 26:2 NIV 1984

Here in the north central part of the country spring brings not only relief from long, cold winters but also the dreaded Wood Tick.  In my entire life fewer times than I have fingers and toes I have found a tick on my person and only once that I remember was the devilish creature actually imbedded.  So my life has never been sincerely threatened by this tiny bug that is barely 1/4 centimeter in size yet it puts terror in my heart that surpasses any impending disaster including Armageddon.

 

One morning recently I got up, got dressed, dropped the kids off at school and headed out to visit a friend of mine and her elderly mother which I do regularly. My friend and I comfortably lounge over coffee and conversation until she needs to get ready for work and I stay and spend time with her mother. While we are talking I’m watching my friend’s face distort into something that can only be described as sheer terror and she is looking at me---or more accurately at my hair. At that precise moment I could feel the hair near the side of my face moving. She was forming the words, “Hold still” when I shot up out of the recliner and flailed my arms and jumped around like I was on fire.  “Hold still”?! You’ve got to be kidding! There’s no way I will ever hold still when some blood-sucking or other creepy crawly critter is hitching a ride upon the USS Becky. Of course I whacked the dreaded infidel off my head but then we didn’t know what it was or where it was. Had I remained still and let my friend pluck it out of my hair our worries would have been over. As it was she had to go to work and I would be left there to comb the floor and furniture since my friend has three cats that she preferred not be victims if the unwanted visitor was indeed a tick. I have very good Tick Vision and searched high and low for any maimed or stunned insects trying to recover. Whatever the demon creature was it was nowhere to be found. I assumed I had killed it and settled back down to focus on making breakfast. Over an hour later I was back in the recliner drinking my warmed up coffee and I felt a tickle inside my shirt. I had to look---I didn’t want to but I had to---and confirmed the presence of a tick CRAWLING UP MY CHEST! Again with the bolting out of the chair but this time with a tick pinched between my fingers and me running wildly to the bathroom to flush the little devil down the toilet. I still get the heebie jeebies thinking about it.

The best part about all this was watching my friend’s face contort into a face of horror and knowing instinctively it was something about me that caused her such a reaction. I appreciate that she was looking out for me and was even willing to personally remove the offensive creature. But I didn’t let her and it literally came back to bite me.

I thank God for blessing me with His Word that shows me any offensive sin in my life. I thank God for my Savior who lovingly and completely removed all sin. I thank God for the Holy Spirit who continues to protect and prepare me when I hold still and let Him do his work within me. I thank God for the friends He has blessed me with who know me and look out for me. I’m not really thankful for wood ticks but I can accept they are part of God’s creation and I will just do my best to keep my distance.

Wired to Follow

Lately I've been taking more time to really examine myself through scripture. As a Christian it's very important for me not just to wear the label but to live the life. I can be tempted to become easily distracted with life in the "real world" ---the never-ending flow of laundry, dishes, family needs, bills, projects, school and church, etc...I can get caught up in doing so many good and helpful things that I can forget why I want to do those things to begin with. My activity can become routine and obligatory and consequently my heart loses the kind of motivation that brings a true sense of joy. Instead of joyful I become tired, irritable, often impatient and sometimes rude. My good deeds, while good, can lack kindness. With growing discontent comes resentment and unforgiveness. All that effort can send me in a slow spiral backward away from the inner peace and contentment that Christ offers me (Philippians 4). When I'm doing so much good stuff I can't help but wonder, "How did that happen?" As I've been read my Bible I’m drawn to scripture that shows me what Jesus taught his newly appointed disciples. Jesus declares that as a disciple God wants all of me--my heart, mind and soul and for me to love my neighbor as myself (Matthew 22). Literally everything I think, do, say and hope should revolve around Him and loving others if I give myself wholeheartedly (John 15). That's what it is to abide in something. Abiding in Christ---is this even possible? I think how very short of this mark I reach every day. Yet I know this is the answer. Abiding in Christ is not just acting nice and doing nice, helpful things but an active awareness and presence that becomes my very nature. This may seem like an odd example but I look at our dog, Wylie; he's as good a model as any I've seen. I really like to watch Cesar Milan (a.k.a."The Dog Whisperer") and find his approach in dog psychology not only fascinating but also accurate. One of the primary points Cesar makes is that dogs are wired to follow a leader. This is highly evident in my relationship with Wylie. For all practical purposes I am perceived as his Pack Leader. He is so aware of my presence that his devotion is spontaneous and constant. No matter where I go, Wylie follows. He waits by the bathroom door until I come out, he sleeps outside the office door while I work, he waits by the back door when I leave until I return. If he is sleeping and I leave the room he wakes up to follow me. It's pretty remarkable how he can appear to be in a deep sleep and still know when I've moved away from him. When he goes outdoors to

Wylie

do his business he consistently looks back to make sure I'm watching him; only then does he feel confident to venture around the yard. He loves the other members of our family but it’s evident his little doggy heart belongs to me. He doesn’t beg for my constant attention or for treats although he shows great appreciation when I offer these things to him. It's enough for him just to be close to me. I look at Wylie's devotion and I think this is how I want to follow Christ. While I’m not always deserving of Wylie's undying love and affection I have the privilege of following the One perfect and holy God who is always deserving of my love and devotion.  I, too, am wired to follow. The more my life revolves around Jesus the less things feel out of control or hopeless or unbearable and the more I feel confident in my purpose. When I abide in Christ I really understand what it means to call myself a Christian.