Can I Surrender Now? I'm tired...

First I have to tell you I continue to struggle so much with my weight it has become nearly unbearable. I have hardly any clothes that fit, I can't find clothes that fit properly and comfortably, I am raging mad at myself for allowing this to get to this point, and I am feeling terrified and desperate that I can't stop what I am doing to myself. That's a mouthful, huh? The big question for me is always, "Why??!". Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I do what I know is not only right but would also bring comfort? Why can't I get it together? What is wrong with me? If you haven't picked up on the theme it's pretty much Me, Me, Me, Me, and them some more Me. I hit an unexpected obstacle following some recent drama within our church. I went into that situation with what I thought was a sound commitment to simply offering my service with no strings attached and the willingness to accept any outcome. Apparently that is not the case. Frustration, hurt/anger (with me these two always accompany each other), pride and probably a few other undesirable traits found their way in and it has taken a long time to sort through. I’ve been working on surrendering what has been keeping me captive and to get out of my own head and focus on Christ. I’ve needed space and quiet to listen for the still, small voice that moves me toward the path I desire. Removing myself from serving at our church left a huge hole in my life. I've been trying to fill it up with grief, self pity, confusion and food. It's not working for me.

I listened to a lesson today from Luke 22 regarding an argument among the disciples about which one was the greatest. The Bible reminds us that greatness in the eyes of the Lord is wholly different than what the world considers great. “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. He chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the things of this world that are common and looked down on. He chose what is not considered to be important to do away with what is considered to be important.” 1 Cor.1:27, 28 NIRV The world promotes position, authority, power and recognition. Christ promotes service. Christ came to serve. The part that hit me (besides the assessment of my service attitude and response) was the part on being served. While Jesus came to serve he also allowed others to serve him. In his flawless wisdom he understands it’s good for us to serve and so allowed others the opportunity to benefit from serving him. I have been feeling lower and lower because I fear I failed in making a difference, I've made a mess of myself and I'm ashamed this is what I have done with God's gracious gifts to me. I bought the lie that I need to get myself together and then I can come to Jesus and do something wonderful for Him and others. I really needed to hear that Jesus came to serve and continues to want to serve me. Why do I keep the worst of my pain from Him instead of taking it to Him? This is exactly what he is patiently waiting to take from me and I can no longer bear the weight of it. No pun intended. I honestly can't make this better by myself. I need help. I need Jesus' help and the help of others who love me. It’s a frightening place for me to be in---I’m one of those difficult children who want to do it myself! Today I am comforted and encouraged the Spirit works to create a new person in me who wants to do it with Jesus- “You were taught not to live the way you used to. You must get rid of your old way of life. That's because it is polluted by longing for things that lead you down the wrong path. You were taught to be made new in your thinking. You were taught to start living a new life. It is created to be truly good and holy, just as God is.” Ephesians 4:22-24 NIRV

Today I pray I look and see many ways in which I can serve my Savior, serve someone else and eat to live rather than live to eat.

Me and My Gingko

The fall weather here has been beautiful lately. I love autumn. It’s my favorite season. We have many trees on our property and I never tire of watching them go through the changes each season brings.  One tree in particular has special significance to me. It’s the Gingko tree. This tree was one of the first things I spotted when my husband and I were shopping for a house. I recognized it immediately and felt it was a sign that good things lay ahead.

 If you have never seen a Gingko tree it looks kind of different than other leaf-bearing trees. It grows more in a triangular shape and the leaves bud out from all along the length of the branches. The leaves themselves have a distinct shape—kind of fan-shape. The vein pattern on the leaf is also specific only to the Gingko. They have an interesting texture, too, being thick and almost rubbery feeling. When fall arrives the Gingko tree has another unique characteristic; it drops its leaves all at once. One day it is full of leaves. The next morning all the leaves are a rug covering the ground around the wonderful Gingko. Now here’s a little history on the Gingko tree. Gingko trees are ancient trees dating back to as far as history is recorded. They originate in eastern Asia and are slow growing but steadfast trees. They have survived nuclear disaster. Gingkos are symbolic of longevity with a lifespan of up to 1,000 years and can reach giant proportions (over 100 feet tall and 3 to 4 feet in diameter). This is one amazing tree! I can’t help but admire this little tree and wonder how it ever ended up on our front lawn. It seems so far away from its ancient homeland and it looks a little out of place among the other towering trees around it. Those who know about its significance seem to share in my affection for the Gingko. The rest of our trees are more native to our area but essentially they all have the same basic needs.  And every single tree in our yard is growing in the same direction--- Up. I take time to provide this tree with a little extra care by watering it when necessary, pruning nearby trees to allow adequate sunlight, and keeping furry critters from burrowing beneath and damaging its roots. When it comes right down to it, it doesn’t really matter to me how the Gingko tree got here. I welcome this unlikely resident and want it to be happy here and at home among the other trees.

I think of my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Some grow rapidly and are big and towering while others may be slower growers or just saplings. Some have lives that are native to the Church with a long family history and rich in tradition. Some come from lives far away and foreign but for whatever reason they are planted in the Church, too. I pray for the sensitivity to provide a little extra care to those who may feel out of place or who are thirsty for a refreshing drink of Christ’s love (John 4). I pray that God will use me to help remove obstacles that might block the Son and his Life-Saving Light (John 8). I pray for the strength and discernment to rely on the Word to fetter out any harmful thing that might fester and threaten faith like immorality, gossip, jealousy, hatred, unkindness or rudeness (Galatians 5).  These little critters can do lots of damage and cannot be allowed to make a home among us. Like the Gingko, I as a child of God I am blessed with longevity. Eternity has been set in my heart (Ecclesiastes  3).

It doesn’t really matter where we came from.  The Master put us together and our unity is pleasing to our Creator (1 Corinthians 12). I don’t know about you but I just feel good when I do anything that pleases God. It seems like so little for so much in return. Jesus, sweet Jesus, lived a life I could never live—a perfect life! And he was brutally murdered for it. I wish I could have offered Him a cool drink to ease his suffering even just a little. I wish I could have somehow interfered and stopped the beatings. I wish I could have uncovered the lies and deceit that marked the charges against him. But that wasn’t the plan. God planted the seed of salvation way, way before any of us ever existed. That seed was meant to grow to gigantic proportions and provide shelter for all of mankind. Christ could have stopped his suffering and He didn’t-- for me and for you He endured. What I can do, though, is show Jesus how much I love him that he allowed himself in all His perfection and glory to carry every sin to be hung on that cross. 

I can share God's love as the Spirit enables me to follow the Lord’s ways according to His Word. I can do so not because I’m such a good person because I’m not really so inherently good. I need God’s direction and He promises that I’ll have what I need. God planted me in his love and because of that I have the privilege of growing roots deep in His faithfulness.

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you.”

~ Romans 15:5-7

Just a Quickie--

I know it's only been a couple of days since my last post but I had to share the events of the past two days.

I have been facing some very difficult personal issues lately which leave me physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I have come to realize once again that I need to spend less time trying to make everything right and focus on being right with the Lord. I know how He works and yet I still get sucked into depending on my own resources to find the kind of peace and balance I will never have apart from HIM.

Anyway, in the last two days I have had an opportunity to air out some important and painful issues and I have neither died from the sadness nor become paralyzed with fear. I did not eat over it. I have received almost a continuous flow of emails, phone calls, text messages and visits from people who have demonstrated nothing but kindness, concern, gentleness, patience, LOVE! and even a little fun thrown in there. None of these things were planned or expected. How great is that?! How good is our God?! How very, very good. I am reminded of His promise to be with me always --" ...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”~Matt 28:20--, to give me all I need when I come to Him with everything-- "  ... to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment"~ Timothy 6:1--, that He can do so much more than I can even dream of-- "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,"~ Ephesians 3:20.

I haven't been on the scale yet this week but I feel the lightness returning. All is well. The really hard battles have already been won. My hunger has been satisfied and it didn't require excess amounts of food.

To God be the glory!

Round 1,097,835...

...efforts to lose weight, that is. Here I am again. Larger than life. Knowing this is not only unhealthy but also rather uncomfortable. I have reached epic proportions to the point, I have to admit, I am almost in awe of my girth and the fact that this body is capable of lugging so much extra weight around. When I gather the courage to actually look at myself it is with fascination at how my body has accommodated the extra weight and how foreign my body feels to me. It is a wonder to me how this happens. Denial is a powerful thing.

I have stood on this precipice many times in my life---do I completely give up or put forth yet another effort to change what it is about me that brings me to this place over and over again. I have lost and gained hundreds and hundreds of pounds. I've tried umpteen weight loss methods--including but not limited to TOPS, Weight Watchers, Atkins, the WeighDown Workshop, Low Carbs, No Carbs, Counting Calories, The Eggnog Diet (which involves eating nothing but a mixture of raw eggs, milk and orange juice--and, No, it does not taste like eggnog), The Grapefruit Diet, a Liver Cleanse/Detox eating plan, once I lived on carrots and yogurt and I turned orange, Purging, Starving, Aerobics, Jazzercize, Aquacize, Pilates, Lifting (my personal favorite), Bouncing, Biking, monitoring with a BodyBugg, Walking and most recently, the purchase of an Elliptical. I think I burned a few extra calories just typing out that list. I should probably mention several thousands of dollars worth of counseling. And by the way, to varying degrees all these methods worked. Every single time I was sincere in my commitment. Every single time I lost weight I swore I would never gain it back and I meant it. And here I am. Back on the edge of the cliff. Only two ways to go;  I continue on this path of sure destruction or I try again.

I'm trying again. I just can't give up although I have been so very, very close. I love my Lord and I know this is not what He wants for me. I love my family. I would like to be comfortable. I have not been a good steward with the physical resource I have in my body and my health. I have not been a good steward in energy usage; I realize my weight slows me down. I have been unfaithful in bringing all things stressful and painful to the foot of the cross in exchange for the temporary comfort of something that tastes good. I know God forgives.

It is very humbling to expose myself this way so publicly and no doubt will raise attention to the accountability factor. I know what to do and not to do--believe me when I say I have all the knowledge I need. What I need is a strength and humility I don't possess naturally. I need some major help. I need to keep my heart focused on trusting in my Savior with all my heart, mind and soul. I don't believe for a nanosecond that God loves me any more or any less depending on how successful or unsuccessful I am in this personal battle. I know He loves me. I know He can help and is my best hope. This time I don't want to lose weight for a wedding, a graduation, a trip, for my husband or my kids, for different clothes or a more pleasing appearance. This time I just want to want what God wants for me. I want to enjoy the blessings that come from submitting to His teachings. I want to offer Him the best I have to offer and at the same time surrender what I'm lacking.

Prayers are always appreciated. I'll keep you posted...

"I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.”~Lamentations 3:24

M & M Wisdom

Sometimes it’s just hard when we think we know what we need and we know very well what we want and we don’t seem to be getting either one.  It’s so easy to make an assessment of our situation and by using our best judgment and resources come up with a plan. All of this is well and good as the Bible teaches us to use our gifts to the best of our abilities. What I tend to forget is that at the same time God tells us not to depend on our own reasoning and to be content in whatever our circumstance; even if things don’t seem to be going according to plan. I forget God has a plan for me that may or may not be similar to mine. This is even a harder thing to teach our children.  Being a parent is hard. I love to see our beloved children happy but often giving them whatever they think will make them happy usually has the opposite result in the long run. Usually I’m very good at seeing clearly my role as parent and am not easily swayed. However, I’m human and flesh and blood and on occasion I just get tired of the resistance and try to take an easier route. That usually doesn’t work, either.  Case in point, the M & M fiasco.

When our youngest daughter was about 3 and we were home enjoying some time alone she made a simple request for some M & M’s.  Knowing how much my little sweetie loved sweets I was happy to offer her a small portion of candies in a small container; just the right size for my pint sized Love. After she finished her treat she asked for more. In my Great Mom Wisdom I confidently explained that what I gave her was just the right amount. She asked again. Again, I patiently assured her she had had enough and there was more for another time and let’s just get on with our lovely time together. She made yet another request and persisted in asking for more…just one more helping. I shared with her my superior knowledge of the effect of too much candy on little tummies and how my great for love for her was to keep her happy and well. She continued to rather adamantly beg for more. I caved. Gave her another small container of M & M’s and thought it was a small concession to end the harassment and allow us to get on with our time together. After downing the last candy-coated chocolate tidbit she immediately asked for another helping. Now I knew that was not a good idea. In fact I knew it was not a good idea to give her the second helping . In my Great Mom Wisdom I justified, “OK, I’ll just let her have what she wants and she will come to see how infinitely more wise I am, accept I know better and never question me again.” I opened the floodgates and let her eat her fill until she didn’t ask for more. Of course she got sick. While I very lovingly tended to my miserable little angel I stroked her green face and very gently asked her, “Honey, do you understand now why you feel sick?” My sweet baby looked earnestly in my face and said most sincerely, “Yes. You should have never given me those M & M’s.”

When I think I feel myself waning when my now much older children have very different desires than M & M’s I think of this and pray for the strength, wisdom and courage to be the parent they need me to be even when they don’t understand or appreciate it. Isn’t this just how God the Father loves us? In spite of our approval or permission He does all the really hard stuff and loves us enough to give us what we really need and not just what we demand or think we want. I am so grateful…so grateful. I may not have all the answers or get it all right but I have the One in my life who does to help me! How great is that?!

Tissues of Forgiveness

It's been a few weeks since I've posted---been busy running kids to workouts and camps and getting my kitchen redone. Now that my life seems to be in reasonable order I can actually form a thought again.

I originally wrote this a few years ago and it's one of the first things I put down on paper. It was such a cathartic experience I continued to do so and haven't stopped since. Anyway, recently while I've been a bit preoccupied adjusting to the demands of teenage schedules and emptying the contents of my kitchen I found myself experiencing a bit of deja vu with tissue remains in the laundry again. In addition to the tissues I discovered my husband and son added chewing gum to their repertoires. If you have ever scraped tiny bits of gum off your clothes and washer and dryer I know you will feel my pain. I couldn't help but notice the similarity to my previous Tissue Episode in that I was feeling stretched in many directions and these very annoying incidents sent me into tantrums I am too embarrassed to share in detail. Reviewing my former observation and insight did help me get a handle on bringing things back down to a manageable size. Enjoy!

I bet you are wondering what tissues have to do with faith and forgiveness. Let me explain. My husband has a habit of tucking tissues in his pant and shirt pockets. He cannot defend his behavior other than he feels he needs to have them available just in case he needs one. I really have no beef with him using tissues or with his reasoning to always be prepared. What I have a problem with is that he often forgets to remove the tissues from these various pockets when he adds his clothes to the laundry.

Now I don’t want to just complain about my husband. There is a lesson here if you stay with me. When we were blessed with children we decided that I would leave my career to stay home full-time. Because I stayed home and he left for work it only made sense that the domestic duties would fall largely on me. It wasn’t that I quit working. It was more like a major change in my job description. In the same way I approach nearly everything I take my job seriously and expect nothing less than 110% of myself. I can’t help it; it’s just the way I am. That goes for the laundry and everything else I do in and around the house. I can’t tell you what it would do to me to open the washer and find tatters of tissues over a whole load of clean clothes. Sometimes it would help to run the load through the dryer but often times it would require re-washing the load. On a good day it bugged me. On days when my time and patience were already challenged I would allow myself a brief angry outburst out of earshot of the children. I would then muster up any kindness I had in me and ask my husband to please try and remember to take the tissues out of his pockets and he would apologetically promise me he would try. This has gone on for years. The tension has built surrounding these “Tissue Incidents” in direct proportion to the ups and downs in our marriage. When I am feeling good about life in general I have been able to keep it in perspective. However, self-centeredness tends to narrow one’s vision. I hate to admit it but there have been times when I have really lost it over these tissues. I have been less than kind and more critical in my demands that my husband get it straight where tissues and laundry are concerned. On occasion I have been at the brink of despair and feared it was more than I could live with; the tissues were the proverbial straw that would push me over the edge. Now before you judge me too harshly let me say that during certain moments of clarity I have realized my behavior has been more about my overall satisfaction with life in general rather than actual tissue related inconveniences. I have also realized that my tolerance and willingness to forgive are in direct proportion to how closely I am walking with the Lord. I made a decision to turn this matter over to God. If I needed to practice forgiveness, so be it. If God felt it best to remove this habit from my husband, even better! Whatever, I was willing to let Him use those tissues to His glory. So I started saving them and placing them on my husband’s dresser with “I forgive you” written on a notepad. No more pleading, begging, reminding, nagging or yelling about tissues. Believe it or not I was actually having fun with this! I was feeling all proud of myself that I managed to rise above this petty grievance until one day I opened the washer and found a broken ball point pen that had been left in a pocket and had covered the clothes in ink. In total disbelief and panic I literally cried out, “ God! Are you kidding? Do you really expect me to forgive him this, too?!” And do you want to know what I heard? “YES! How many times have I forgiven you?”

The Lord is with me in everything I do. There is no matter that is not important enough to take to Him. I can trust Him completely to take me where I need to go and how I will get there. Even with ink stains or tissue remnants clinging to my clothes.

“Forgive us our sins as we also forgive everyone who sins against us.”~ Luke 11:4

  

A Matter of Degrees

This is a conversation I overheard between our then 10 year old daughter and her friend from the back seat of the minivan:

Our Daughter:  “Do you ever eat your boogers?”

Friend:  “Sometimes…but only when I’m really, really hungry.”

The hilarity in this was the seriousness of their conversation. They weren’t trying to be funny or gross but just two friends discussing some of the lesser known elements of 10 Year Old Life.  This still makes me laugh and it has since become one of my favorite quotes.  What I like about it is the simple truth that whatever holds us back from our better selves is usually just a matter of degrees. I can put on my Best Self for only so long under certain conditions before I start to compromise my values and soon to follow is my behavior.  For example, I, and many who knew me as a teacher, thought I would be an excellent mother. I had the right education and training, lots of experience with young children and I was successful putting those to use. It made sense those gifts would make for a smooth transition to Mother of the Year. Not as easy as I thought. I hung in there pretty good with my step daughter (well, at least I think so…). She was easy and I always knew I was very fortunate to have such a gentle, cooperative child as the first in our young family. Next came our son and my first baby. I hung in there fairly well with him, too, for the first 18 mos. until I became pregnant again with our next child. I could be loving, patient and kind when I wasn’t dead-dog tired, nauseated and gagging or so swollen I had to sit with my legs elevated.  As my reality changed I found it harder and harder to be the mom I set out to be. Then when our last baby---a girl---was born I barely recognized myself. I became irritated much more easily, had difficulty concentrating and could barely keep up with the maintenance of the house and yard that I had previously done so well.  I felt like anything but a Good Mother and I felt I was an even worse Wife. There was so much I knew about the right things to say and do but I felt almost powerless to carry them out when the weight of the millions of tiny details and decisions that comprise motherhood became too great to bear.  See, I had wonderful experiences and resources to prepare me for Parenthood but I lacked the stamina by myself to apply it all 24/7. I needed help. With an awakening I prayed more, started spending regular time in God’s Word, asked for help, learned to let some things go, and spent more time in the company of other mothers for support and understanding. I still fluctuate between different degrees of being overwhelmed and spiritual wellness but I catch myself sooner than I used to and I know I can trust God to lead my recovery back toward the person He wants me to be.

What does this have to do with eating boogers? 

Well, like our young friend, I find that there are things I find very unappealing and even offensive when I am strong in my faith life. I’m a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend and Servant when I am steadfast in my walk with Christ. I have more confidence and peace. It’s easy to recognize and resist those things that are offensive and unappealing to the God I serve. However, life has a way of creeping up on me and when I’m not diligent in my faith life it becomes easier to allow the boogers to find a way in. By boogers I mean things like pride, rebellion, anger, fear and even hatred and hopelessness. When I find myself feeding on these things they create self-consciousness, suspicion, self pity, guilt and conflict. These things are far from the fruits of the Spirit—“ But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..” Galatians 5:22-23. I need help---and lots of it to stay in tune with the Spirit. Through the power and grace of God I have an open invitation to feast on His Word or talk to Him anytime, any day, as often and as long as I desire. I have access to a fellowship with others who believe and value biblical teachings and model them in their lives encouraging me to do the same. God makes it easier for me not to let other things get in the way of spending time getting real nourishment so I don’t get too hungry or starved and start to settle for boogers.