Money and Happiness

True to my bulimic nature it's been a long time since I've posted and today I find myself almost busting with the need to purge. I feel I could write a novel! When I reach this point it's hard to know where to start and what thought to tap into first. I guess I'll start with the one that was first on my mind today.

Over the past several months I've been feeling withdrawn---but not in a scary way which in my past has brought me to very dark places. This has been more of a quietness. I find I like this place of quiet. I haven't had much to say. I've been listening. I believe I need times like this to hear God as I continue to look for direction along life's path. Anyway, lately I've been seeing that my role and identity is changing. It needs to change. Our kids are getting older and their needs change accordingly. I can't parent them like I did when they were infants, toddlers, young. Our business is changing and we need to prepare ourselves for the next stage of our working lives. Our marriage is changing and I'm finding that we need to work hard to grow in our relationship; we are not "we" unless we are willing to do whatever it takes to keep reaching for each other. I'm finding it a challenge to prioritize my energy. Because I don't feel I have sure footing in any of these areas I feel a little fragile.

That brings me to the Money and Happiness part of this post. Recently the kids were ribbing me about not saving a lot of their childhood memorabilia. Just to clarify, I did save some things but admittedly, not a lot. I am not very sentimental. That in no way means I don't love our kids to the point that I would die for them and have given most of my life to their care. I think I do a pretty consistent job celebrating their accomplishments and honoring their character as they grow.  I don't attach my feelings for people on things nor do I feel the need to have things to remember what I want to remember. The kids apparently had different expectations for me and it's clear I haven't measured up. I have to admit I felt sad after this little exchange. Not because I was hurt by their thoughts and feelings---they are entitled to their own. I guess I felt a sort of loss although I'm not sure how to define what I lost. I want to pass something valuable on to my kids and I'm not sure I hit the mark. There was a time in my life when I had very few responsibilities and some decent money. I could buy pretty much what I wanted when I wanted it. I wasn't a millionaire but I lived well and didn't worry about money and had lots of nice stuff. By no means was I happy. I looked good and did lots of fun things but happiness eluded me. The Bible says the love of money is the root of all evil. Money is not evil---it's the LOVE of money that is rooted in evil. Money can buy lots of fun and stuff. Some of that could be evil. Money can also be helpful if applied to assist those in need. Either way, Money does not equal Happiness. Happiness comes from a whole different place and it may or may not be present in conjunction with Money. The greatest happiness I know is knowing who I am according to how I am defined through Christ Jesus. THIS is the Golden Nugget I hope to leave with our children. I desperately want them to be happy with Who they are in Christ and not what they have or what they've done. I want for them to know the truth. I think my sadness was feeling a loss of confidence that this lesson might be lost to our children.

I realize they are still growing and have a lot to learn as they approach adulthood and forever thereafter. I realize I have a lot to learn. I still have hope for them and for me. I don't know how the Lord will work in their hearts and lives but I do know He will. Where I lack confidence in my efforts I know God is not lacking in any way.

Testing, 1..2..3, Testing...

I never felt threatened by tests. During my educational career tests weren't a big deal. I'm one of those fortunate people that easily grasped and understood the material I received and tests didn't require me to study a great deal. Now I'm smack dab in the middle of one of the greatest test I've ever faced. It's not the written kind but a spiritual test. The details of the collection of circumstances that lead me to this place are unimportant. The important thing for me is to pass the test according to what will most please my Lord and Savior. I've had lots of feelings to sort through. While I want to honor and examine the basis for my feelings I don't want to navigate through life according to how I feel. Feelings come and go. I don't know about you but my heart is prone to corruption and my feelings can be a result of misunderstandings, errors in my perceptions, and influenced by worldly opinions and practices. I left out pure, unadulterated selfishness which can also be a huge contributing factor in stirring up my feelings. I also tend to be a Thinking Individual and I can get absorbed in my thoughts which, again, can be under the influence of things that are temporary and corrupt. I want to make important decisions based on what is lasting, what is perfect, what is pure and what is much, much bigger than my small, individual circumstances. I want to want what God wants. On my own my efforts leave me tired, frustrated and often feeling hopeless. There are countless books, DVD's, and people full of encouragement and good scriptural teaching but none of them can change my heart. The only things that can change me from the inside out are God's Word, the work of the Spirit and Christ's love that saves me from myself. While nothing outside of me may or may not change I cling to the hope that God can change me to be a blessing within the circumstances that exist. This is not a magical wave of a wand and *poof!* my life is all better. I'm learning that sometimes those blessings come after suffering. They come after the storm. They come after years of roaming around in the desert. When God prepares me for something and I respond with obedience I am blessed beyond what makes any sense. Typically then those times are followed by another period of growth and testing--it's back to the desert for a while! God has a way of letting me figure out that when all else isn't enough what is left is Him. Sometimes this takes me a long time. He's very patient. When I feel completely lost and I have nothing left to cling to I seek Him with a vengeance and discover He never left but was simply waiting. Waiting to whisper to me in His still, small voice. Just for me He whispers in my ear, "I love you.", "Everything will be OK; I've got your back.", "I see you, I know you, I want you."  He tells me how He wants to give me even more than I ever hoped for and that will require me to give some things up. He's asking me, "How much do you love Me? Enough to trust Me? Enough to let Me take the burden? Enough to let Me have My Way with you?" This is the test. Now it's crystal clear.

Dear God, keep working on my heart...

Bread

"I am the bread of life." (John 6:48) This is a pretty clear statement. Apart from Christ I can't live feeling fed, nurtured and healthy spiritually, emotionally and physically. If you've been following my blog you're aware I have wrestled with food issues my entire life and as a Christian it has been especially difficult to have my physical body in such conflict with my spiritual self. I have succeeded and failed at literally hundreds of diets so I'm not quick to jump on any new bandwagons regarding diets or even new "health" breakthroughs. I have always believed moderation is the key and in line with biblical teaching to practice good use of all the resources and gifts God provides. 

Recently I purchased and read the "Wheat Belly" book by Dr. William Davis. My reason for doing so was because what I read about the book seemed to address many of the afflictions I felt from my poor eating habits. Notice I said "habits" and not "choices". While at times I make poor food choices for the most part I have been feeding myself and my family what I thought was a very healthy diet---whole foods, very little processed foods if any, privately raised beef, pork, and chicken, fruits, vegetables and lots of whole grain replacements for highly processed flour products. What I ate seemed relatively good but my portions and eating patterns grow out of control based on any number of external influences. Anyway, I did know I needed to eat less and move more. I didn't know my food choices had such a dramatic effect on my body until I started making changes. I'm not going to address the science behind Dr. Davis' findings or any possible commercial motives. I don't really care about those things. All I care about is whether or not this might make some difference in my battles keeping food in it's place along with putting God back in His rightful place as No. 1 in my life for all things at all times ("Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."~Philippians 4:6)This is how I started:

•  I prayed like crazy and asked lots of other people to pray for me. This is simple but not easy and I knew I would need all the prayers I could get!
• I purged our home of All Things Wheat to the best of my knowledge (and that continues to grow!)
• I removed any other grain flours and products and rice and replaced then with foods with lower Glycemic Index values since I've been concerned about the threat of diabetes.
• I stocked up on more vegetables, some fruits, and low GI sweeteners---like Blue Agave Syrup vs. Maple Syrup or Honey.
• I plan meals so I have the necessary ingredients, remember to allow time to thaw the meat, and provide a variety of tasty meals for me and my family.

This has been my experience so far (2 Weeks):

• Within 3 days I had NO heartburn, the edema in my legs and feet was virtually gone, my energy and clarity increased and I wasn't nodding off every time I sat down.
• By the end of the first week I noticed my skin condition was noticeably improved--skin eruptions were nearly gone and healing, itchiness was gone--, I no longer had a "coating" in my mouth when I woke up and I was sleeping (finally!!) for longer periods at night up to four or five hours from the previous 2-3 hours maximum before, a complete absence of stomach discomfort and pain, the joint discomfort that had been growing was gone,and I lost 4 lbs. without exercising.
• By the end of the second week I noticed continued increase in energy and improved sleeping, my eyebrows started growing back, my hair got darker (my hairdresser noticed and commented before she knew I had made some dietary changes), I started walking because I could bend over to get my socks on and tie my shoes without hurting myself and I lost close to 7 lbs.

Now I don't know if I had a slice of bread this would all be undone but I have no desire to find out. I'm not hungry ever. I eat really good meals and eat until I feel satisfied which is becoming less and less. I feel like I've lost the weight of a burden much greater than the 10+ lbs. I've actually lost so far. I'm feasting on the Bread of Life and feeling the deep peace that I have only ever felt from the love of my Savior and keeping him at the center of my heart's desire. I can't think beyond this day or I get scared of the possibility of another failure. Day by day, choice by choice I'm trusting God to help me make decisions that honor Him and will open the door to the way God wants to bless me. Please keep me in your prayers and if I can pray for you don't hesitate to ask...it would be a privilege.

Childish Things…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Things around here seem to take on a momentum of their own from late November through the end of January. There are the obvious extra preparations for the holidays.  Add three family birthdays (the kids and me) and an unexpected flooring project resulting from a septic system backup and consequent flood in our home office and some serious but not tragic illnesses with the kids. Then with our business there are extra forms and reports to prepare and file. You know--life is busy! I get really, really tired and I can’t say I make much of an effort to take extra good care of myself. In fact I’m in the worse shape I’ve ever been in my whole life.  I feel it, too. I don’t sleep well.  Everything I do is becoming a labor. I feel myself slipping into fear and I don’t want to live in fear. I’ve struggled with getting a grip on my personal health/weight issues as long as I can remember. For the life of me I don’t know what keeps me from getting motivated to do what it is required and sticking to it. I keep waiting to feel “ready” but even when I think I’m ready my conviction fades rapidly. By nature I’m not a lazy person and I’m very stubborn so a weak will is not the problem.  I have the intelligence to understand my situation and the resources to address it yet I don’t.  I imagine most of you have that thing you wish you would stop doing but don’t.  I go back and forth between feeling frustrated, angry, ashamed and completely confused on the “Why?” why do I continue down this path to destruction? Anyway, I pray for the conviction to take the necessary responsibility for my physical well-being.  And then I read and listen to scripture and listen for the answer. This is what I heard, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” ~1 Corinthians 13:11

I think I got it. Wishing things were different for me is never going to get me there.  I can’t do whatever I feel like without consequences. Like I learned a long time ago in science class every action has a reaction. I simply can’t have my cake and eat it, too. A seriously potent Big Girl Pill is in order.  This is where I to cling to God’s promises that He will provide what I need to grow up and make better use of the resources and gifts He has so generously given me. I have made some consistently poor choices and I am dearly Paying the Piper. So my choices now are to wallow in regret and self pity or keep trying to make the necessary changes. I know I can’t do this alone---the temptation to fall back into old habits is very strong. I’m making a plan. I’m including others in my plan not so they can monitor my progress but because I know they’ll care and that will help me care. I asked for my family’s help and I am truly blessed they are so willing to share this journey with me because I literally asked them if I could totally purge our household of all the foods I want to eliminate and that was an extensive list.  They not only agreed but shared their enthusiasm to try new things and commit to practicing healthy living. I also arranged to be involved in a Bible study with a couple friends that will help me feed on the Bread of Life and fill all those empty spaces I keep trying to fill with food.

If you’re a praying person I’ll ask for your prayers as well. I’ve been in this spot before and I know I can either stay here or follow Christ to a better place.

I’ll keep you posted…

Dirty Business

Our septic system recently backed up into our home office. If you have never had the misfortune of such an event it won’t take much effort to imagine what a disgusting mess results. As soon as I was aware of our problem (the nose knows!) I made an emergency announcement to my family that NOT ONE MORE OUNCE OF WATER was to be sent down any sink, toilet or shower until further notice. Then I sent out a distress call to the business that services our septic system and a cleaning company to extract the waste water, remove the carpet and sanitize the concrete floor. After that came the damage control.  I waded through a carpet of slushy nasty waste to remove all of our office supplies, computers, printers, and papers from the desks and shelves which I handed to our son to pile wherever he could find space. Anything that was on the floor was ruined and was bagged up as trash. Then my son and I carried out the wooden desks and shelves that were ruined and took them to the roadside. The rest of the furnishings that were metal needed to be moved out and cleaned. Once the room was dried out I called our local flooring business and arranged to have a new ceramic tile floor installed. Then I ordered a couple new metal tables to replace the desks. We will soon be able to put the file cabinets and one remaining table back in place to get our computers set up again.  I’m waiting on the two new tables so we can get everything else back where it belongs. When it’s all said and done it will be a very nice, functional space that will be much easier to salvage if disaster strikes again.

Through this forced event I could relate to similar struggles I experience in my faith life. Every so often I experience a flood of unpleasantness that wells up and spills over polluting my life. It could be triggered by an event, a series of events, or just changes that time and life bring. I usually don’t see it coming. I recognize the symptoms though--- sadness, anger, self consciousness, fear. When this happens my initial reaction is to retreat and withdraw; my fantasy is always to run far, far away. But no matter where I go, there I am! I can’t run from myself. I try to figure out what’s wrong so I can make it right. That never works. I only become more focused on myself and what’s not right while I keep adding to it.  I find as I become more experienced with this process it takes me less and less time to bring it to God and ask Him to do the fixing. I remember to connect to the best resources I have and read and listen to God’s Word often---several times a day some days. I try to pray for understanding and conviction. I pray for forgiveness that in my silly attempts to take care of everything I am unfaithful in acknowledging God’s Supremacy.  I send out emergency signals to my friends who will pray for me and speak the truth of God’s Word when I seek their advice even when it hurts to hear it.  I try to make a conscious effort to do more for others than thinking about what I want done for me. I often have to slop through some nasty stuff and discard what’s no good to make way for the fresh new things God is creating in me. It becomes less of a battle and more of a joy to let God do His work. I start to feel excited about His promise that on the other side of this is a wiser, stronger, better me to bring honor to God in how I live my life.

God is so very, very good. I’m thankful that His timing is so perfect. This happened the day after Thanksgiving and with enough time to take care of it before Christmas. I’m grateful we had the resources available to us to respond immediately. I’m deeply touched that He could speak to me through this example to address bigger, deeper, more personal challenges I sometimes face. I loved how I could witness to our son that sometimes you have to get uncomfortable and messy to do the right thing.  Every time God helps me grow in one way or another I am better prepared for the next lesson. I love how He loves me.

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3-5

Can I Surrender Now? I'm tired...

First I have to tell you I continue to struggle so much with my weight it has become nearly unbearable. I have hardly any clothes that fit, I can't find clothes that fit properly and comfortably, I am raging mad at myself for allowing this to get to this point, and I am feeling terrified and desperate that I can't stop what I am doing to myself. That's a mouthful, huh? The big question for me is always, "Why??!". Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I do what I know is not only right but would also bring comfort? Why can't I get it together? What is wrong with me? If you haven't picked up on the theme it's pretty much Me, Me, Me, Me, and them some more Me. I hit an unexpected obstacle following some recent drama within our church. I went into that situation with what I thought was a sound commitment to simply offering my service with no strings attached and the willingness to accept any outcome. Apparently that is not the case. Frustration, hurt/anger (with me these two always accompany each other), pride and probably a few other undesirable traits found their way in and it has taken a long time to sort through. I’ve been working on surrendering what has been keeping me captive and to get out of my own head and focus on Christ. I’ve needed space and quiet to listen for the still, small voice that moves me toward the path I desire. Removing myself from serving at our church left a huge hole in my life. I've been trying to fill it up with grief, self pity, confusion and food. It's not working for me.

I listened to a lesson today from Luke 22 regarding an argument among the disciples about which one was the greatest. The Bible reminds us that greatness in the eyes of the Lord is wholly different than what the world considers great. “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. He chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the things of this world that are common and looked down on. He chose what is not considered to be important to do away with what is considered to be important.” 1 Cor.1:27, 28 NIRV The world promotes position, authority, power and recognition. Christ promotes service. Christ came to serve. The part that hit me (besides the assessment of my service attitude and response) was the part on being served. While Jesus came to serve he also allowed others to serve him. In his flawless wisdom he understands it’s good for us to serve and so allowed others the opportunity to benefit from serving him. I have been feeling lower and lower because I fear I failed in making a difference, I've made a mess of myself and I'm ashamed this is what I have done with God's gracious gifts to me. I bought the lie that I need to get myself together and then I can come to Jesus and do something wonderful for Him and others. I really needed to hear that Jesus came to serve and continues to want to serve me. Why do I keep the worst of my pain from Him instead of taking it to Him? This is exactly what he is patiently waiting to take from me and I can no longer bear the weight of it. No pun intended. I honestly can't make this better by myself. I need help. I need Jesus' help and the help of others who love me. It’s a frightening place for me to be in---I’m one of those difficult children who want to do it myself! Today I am comforted and encouraged the Spirit works to create a new person in me who wants to do it with Jesus- “You were taught not to live the way you used to. You must get rid of your old way of life. That's because it is polluted by longing for things that lead you down the wrong path. You were taught to be made new in your thinking. You were taught to start living a new life. It is created to be truly good and holy, just as God is.” Ephesians 4:22-24 NIRV

Today I pray I look and see many ways in which I can serve my Savior, serve someone else and eat to live rather than live to eat.

Me and My Gingko

The fall weather here has been beautiful lately. I love autumn. It’s my favorite season. We have many trees on our property and I never tire of watching them go through the changes each season brings.  One tree in particular has special significance to me. It’s the Gingko tree. This tree was one of the first things I spotted when my husband and I were shopping for a house. I recognized it immediately and felt it was a sign that good things lay ahead.

 If you have never seen a Gingko tree it looks kind of different than other leaf-bearing trees. It grows more in a triangular shape and the leaves bud out from all along the length of the branches. The leaves themselves have a distinct shape—kind of fan-shape. The vein pattern on the leaf is also specific only to the Gingko. They have an interesting texture, too, being thick and almost rubbery feeling. When fall arrives the Gingko tree has another unique characteristic; it drops its leaves all at once. One day it is full of leaves. The next morning all the leaves are a rug covering the ground around the wonderful Gingko. Now here’s a little history on the Gingko tree. Gingko trees are ancient trees dating back to as far as history is recorded. They originate in eastern Asia and are slow growing but steadfast trees. They have survived nuclear disaster. Gingkos are symbolic of longevity with a lifespan of up to 1,000 years and can reach giant proportions (over 100 feet tall and 3 to 4 feet in diameter). This is one amazing tree! I can’t help but admire this little tree and wonder how it ever ended up on our front lawn. It seems so far away from its ancient homeland and it looks a little out of place among the other towering trees around it. Those who know about its significance seem to share in my affection for the Gingko. The rest of our trees are more native to our area but essentially they all have the same basic needs.  And every single tree in our yard is growing in the same direction--- Up. I take time to provide this tree with a little extra care by watering it when necessary, pruning nearby trees to allow adequate sunlight, and keeping furry critters from burrowing beneath and damaging its roots. When it comes right down to it, it doesn’t really matter to me how the Gingko tree got here. I welcome this unlikely resident and want it to be happy here and at home among the other trees.

I think of my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Some grow rapidly and are big and towering while others may be slower growers or just saplings. Some have lives that are native to the Church with a long family history and rich in tradition. Some come from lives far away and foreign but for whatever reason they are planted in the Church, too. I pray for the sensitivity to provide a little extra care to those who may feel out of place or who are thirsty for a refreshing drink of Christ’s love (John 4). I pray that God will use me to help remove obstacles that might block the Son and his Life-Saving Light (John 8). I pray for the strength and discernment to rely on the Word to fetter out any harmful thing that might fester and threaten faith like immorality, gossip, jealousy, hatred, unkindness or rudeness (Galatians 5).  These little critters can do lots of damage and cannot be allowed to make a home among us. Like the Gingko, I as a child of God I am blessed with longevity. Eternity has been set in my heart (Ecclesiastes  3).

It doesn’t really matter where we came from.  The Master put us together and our unity is pleasing to our Creator (1 Corinthians 12). I don’t know about you but I just feel good when I do anything that pleases God. It seems like so little for so much in return. Jesus, sweet Jesus, lived a life I could never live—a perfect life! And he was brutally murdered for it. I wish I could have offered Him a cool drink to ease his suffering even just a little. I wish I could have somehow interfered and stopped the beatings. I wish I could have uncovered the lies and deceit that marked the charges against him. But that wasn’t the plan. God planted the seed of salvation way, way before any of us ever existed. That seed was meant to grow to gigantic proportions and provide shelter for all of mankind. Christ could have stopped his suffering and He didn’t-- for me and for you He endured. What I can do, though, is show Jesus how much I love him that he allowed himself in all His perfection and glory to carry every sin to be hung on that cross. 

I can share God's love as the Spirit enables me to follow the Lord’s ways according to His Word. I can do so not because I’m such a good person because I’m not really so inherently good. I need God’s direction and He promises that I’ll have what I need. God planted me in his love and because of that I have the privilege of growing roots deep in His faithfulness.

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you.”

~ Romans 15:5-7